Test cricket's abstract era

Test cricket has jumped a shark into a vat of acid and come out the other side a lumpen mess of colour and shapes.

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Ollie Pope cannot see the ball. It's somewhere above him, he thinks. He has sunglasses on, well, on top of his hat. The lights are on at Edgbaston too, but weirdly, it is actually quite sunny. And so instead of completing an easy catch, the ball lands behind it.

The delivery before, Shubman Gill has clanged the ball into the Hollies stand so far and so hard that it bounces back onto the ground. The next ball, Joe Root misses the pitch and bowls a no ball.

There is a fake declaration in the following over, as the chants of ‘Boring, Boring, India’ rattle along the stadium. Of course, at that point Gill clatters another six into the grandstand that again bounces back onto the ground. Then he is out turning Bashir into the legside off the leading edge when it felt like Bashir might never get another wicket again. Another fake declaration happens, and the chants of ‘Boring Boring India’ come back.

This all happened in about seven minutes. And no one will remember any of it, because this Test has been so damn wacky and wild all the way through.

There have been better Test matches, but there have been few - ever - anywhere near as weird. Test cricket has jumped a shark into a vat of acid and come out the other side a lumpen mess of colour and shapes. It is as entertaining as it is bizarre. A grotesque and wonderful celebration of five day utter nonsense.

England lost two wickets in an over three times, and made almost a gazillion runs in the middle of that. It was stupid, we saw it, we know it made no sense. Many times, it looked like England could not bat. And then for one partnership or session, they looked like the greatest side ever. That is this team - part chaos, part throwing up in your own mouth, and all of it with glorious certainty and wild glee.

At one point, we just have to admit that Jamie Smith or someone else might finally break Gilbert Jessop’s stupid record of the fastest hundred ever for an English player, which has remained in place for over 100 years. Simon Wilde actually has a book called ‘Chasing Jessop’ coming out in time for the Oval Test. And he was - again - worried about a rewrite. But they haven’t been chasing him, they’ve been stalking the old fella. Barely a Test goes by without someone mentioning the record because one of England’s many maniacs is lighting themselves on fire and going out to bat.

And yet, even with all the attacking, some of them are making massive runs. And by some of them, I mean Jamie Smith, who is doing both. He has the second-highest average of any wicketkeeper with at least 800 runs. The man is suddenly AB de Villiers out of nowhere.

And he was batting with Harry Brook, who currently has the fifth-best batting average in the history of the game. At this point, you’d be forgiven for thinking this team is awesome with the bat. But remember, their entire total in this match was these two guys. The rest of the time, England have been absolute rubbish. They’re flipping a coin and hoping for the best.

But Shubman Gill almost made them both obsolete. He was incredible in the first innings. In the next one, he was on rails and he added some ball striking. At one stage, he was catching up to Rishabh Pant, which I suppose was easier because of the amount of times the wicketkeeper batter actually threw his bat away. Modern players don’t need willow, just vibes.

Gill now holds the record for the most runs in a Test by a number four.

But he also wasn’t that far from breaking Graham Gooch’s all-time record. There is making runs, and then there is passing 400 runs in a match by slogging the ball into the crowd so hard it just bounces off someone and comes back onto the surface.

The entire thing is completely batshit crazy. But here are two other things that you need to know, because I now know them and so do you.